The Importance of a Secure Attachment
The Importance of a Secure Attachment — How to Build it and What to Do if You Struggle to Bond.
As parents, we all want to raise emotionally healthy, resilient, and confident children — but what often underpins all of that is one vital foundation: a secure attachment. Secure attachment forms the emotional bond between a child and their caregiver. It’s not just about love or affection — it’s about helping a baby feel safe, understood, and consistently cared for. And the ripple effects of this emotional connection can last a lifetime. There is often a focus on a mothers attachment to baby, however the is emerging research on the importance of both parents fostering a secure attachment and the importance of both maternal and paternal sensitivity for the development of child attachment security.
What Is Attachment?
Attachment refers to the emotional bond that forms between a child and their primary caregivers — usually in the early years of life. It’s how a baby learns whether the world is safe, whether people can be trusted, and whether their needs will be met. When a baby cries and someone comes, when they’re frightened and someone soothes them, when they’re joyful and someone mirrors that joy — they begin to understand that they matter. This relationship becomes the blueprint for how that child will relate to others, regulate emotions, and even view themselves as they grow. Research in developmental psychology, particularly the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, identified four main patterns of attachment:
Secure Attachment - The child feels safe, seen, soothed, and supported. They trust that their caregiver will respond to their needs, and this helps them explore the world confidently.
Insecure-Avoidant Attachment - The child learns to minimise their needs, often because their caregiver is emotionally unavailable or unresponsive. They may appear independent but feel disconnected
Insecure-Ambivalent (or Anxious) Attachment - The child experiences inconsistency — sometimes their needs are met, sometimes not. They may become clingy, anxious, and unsure about whether they are loved.
Disorganised Attachment - Often linked to trauma, neglect, or fear, this pattern is marked by confusion, fear of the caregiver, or unpredictable behaviour. The child may not know how to feel safe.
While this might sound overwhelming, the goal is not to label or judge — it's to understand that secure attachment is something that can be built, repaired, and strengthened over time.
Why Is a Secure Attachment So Important?
From the earliest days, a child’s brain is wired to connect. That connection shapes:
Brain Development - Secure attachment promotes the development of healthy neural pathways and reduces the long-term impact of stress.
Emotional Wellbeing - Children with secure attachments are more likely to grow into adults with higher self-esteem, stronger emotional regulation, and greater empathy.
Social Skills - They often have better peer relationships, communicate more effectively, and manage conflict with more ease.
Resilience - Securely attached children know that someone has their back. That sense of safety allows them to take risks, bounce back from setbacks, and believe in themselves.
How to Create a Secure Attachment
Secure attachment isn't about being a “perfect parent” — it’s about being a consistent and responsive one. In fact, researchers like Dr. Ed Tronick (creator of the Still Face Experiment) have shown that parents only need to “get it right” around 30% of the time to create a secure bond — as long as repair happens when there’s a rupture.
Here’s how to nurture that bond:
Be Emotionally Available - Tune in to your baby’s feelings. Let them see and feel that their emotions are safe to express and will be met with calm.
Respond Consistently - Crying is communication. When you respond with love, you build trust and teach your baby they matter.
Use Gentle, Responsive Touch - Holding, cuddling, skin-to-skin, massage and baby-wearing help regulate your baby’s body and emotions.
Make Eye Contact and Talk Softly - Your baby learns so much from your voice, facial expressions, and presence. Even if they can’t talk yet, they’re deeply aware of your emotional tone. Baby’s love it when they you are fully present so ensure your phone isn’t being a distraction.
Repair When Needed - If you snap, get frustrated, or miss a cue — it’s okay. Reconnect with a cuddle, soothing words, or eye contact. This teaches your baby that relationships can mend — a powerful life lesson.
What If You Don’t Feel Attached at the Start?
Not every parent feels an instant connection with their baby — and that’s okay. If your birth experience was traumatic, your body and nervous system may still be in survival mode. That can interfere with emotional connection and make bonding feel difficult, delayed, or even impossible. After a difficult birth — especially if you experienced pain, fear, medical intervention, or separation from your baby — your emotional capacity may be understandably limited. You might feel numb. You might feel overwhelmed. You might even feel guilty for not feeling what you thought you should feel. This is not a reflection of your love. It’s a reflection of trauma, and it deserves compassion — not shame. And for many parents, it’s not just the birth itself — it’s what comes after. Postnatal depression and anxiety can have a significant impact on your ability to bond. You might feel flat, disconnected, numb, or overwhelmed. You might find it hard to enjoy your baby — or even feel like a good parent at all. These thoughts can feel deeply unsettling, but they are more common than people realise, and they don’t define you or your love.
Here’s the most important thing to know: Attachment is not a one-time moment — it’s an ongoing relationship that grows with time and care.
Even if you don’t feel that “rush of love” right away, your bond can absolutely develop with gentle support, healing, and connection. Early intervention, emotional support, and baby-focused therapy can make a profound difference. Bonding isn’t about perfection — it’s about creating enough moments of connection, even when things feel hard.
How to Strengthen the Bond
If you’re struggling to bond, here are gentle ways to move forward:
Seek Support - Speak to your health visitor, GP, or a perinatal mental health professional. Supportive, non-judgemental help is available, and you don’t have to go through it alone.
Use Baby-Wearing and Skin-to-Skin - Closeness can boost oxytocin — the “love hormone” — and help rewire the connection between you and your baby.
Focus on One Small Moment Each Day - Whether it’s a smile, cuddle, bath time, or a feed — these micro-moments matter. A small connection can make a big difference.
Talk to Your Baby - Narrate what you’re doing, name your baby’s feelings, and speak gently — even if it feels awkward at first. You’re laying the foundation for emotional safety.
Be Gentle with Yourself - You are healing too. Rest, connect with others, and know that this doesn’t define your parenting journey — it’s just part of it.
Final Thoughts
Secure attachment isn’t about always getting it right — it’s about showing up, trying again, and being emotionally available when it counts. Whether bonding comes easily or takes time to grow, you are not alone. Your baby doesn’t need perfection — just your presence.
You are enough.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
Tronick, E., Als, H., Adamson, L., Wise, S., & Brazelton, T. B. (1978). The Infant’s Response to Entrapment between Contradictory Messages in Face-to-Face Interaction. Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry, 17(1), 1–13.
Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2013). Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. New York: TarcherPerigee.
Schore, A. N. (2001). The effects of early relational trauma on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1–2), 201–269.
National Scientific Council on the Developing Child (2004). Young Children Develop in an Environment of Relationships: Working Paper No. 1. Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University.
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/wp1/NICE (2020). Postnatal care overview. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence.
https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng194NHS England (2022). Maternity and Neonatal Care - Improving Care for Mothers and Babies.
https://www.england.nhs.uk/maternity/