When Bonding Doesn’t Happen
When Bonding Doesn’t Happen Instantly
You’ve just had a baby, and everyone expects you to feel a rush of love. But what if you don’t? What if, instead, you feel numb, disconnected, or even distant?
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
The idea that every parent feels instant love for their newborn is a powerful myth—but not everyone experiences it that way. In fact, research suggests it’s very common for bonding to take days, weeks, or even months to develop. And that delay says nothing about your ability to be a good parent.
This blog explore why bonding doesn’t always happen straight away, what might be getting in the way, and how to gently build connection over time.
What Is Bonding?
Bonding is the emotional tie a parent feels toward their baby—it’s what drives you to nurture, protect, and comfort them. For some, it happens in an overwhelming wave. For others, it’s a slow-growing flame.
It’s important to know: Bonding and attachment are different.
Bonding is how you feel about your baby.
Attachment is how your baby feels about you—and it forms when their needs are consistently met with love and responsiveness, even if you’re still working on how you feel.
Your baby can securely attach to you even if you’re still figuring out the emotional side of parenting.
Why Bonding Might Not Happen Straight Away
Several factors can affect how quickly you feel connected with your baby:
1. Birth Trauma or Medical Complications
A difficult or traumatic labour, emergency birth, or unplanned interventions can leave you feeling disconnected or in shock. This is a protective response, not a sign of failure.
2. Mental Health Challenges
Postnatal depression, anxiety, PTSD or birth-related trauma can cloud your emotional responses and make bonding more difficult. These are medical conditions, not personal flaws and support is available.
3. Exhaustion and Overwhelm
The early days of parenting are intense. You may be recovering physically while dealing with sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, and the demands of a newborn. It’s okay to not feel instant joy during this time.
4. Expectations vs Reality
If you were expecting a rush of love and it didn’t come, you might feel guilt or shame. But remember, real connection is built over time, it doesn’t have to happen all at once.
5. Difficult Start with Baby
Some babies need extra care (e.g., NICU stay, reflux, colic), or may not settle easily, which can make it harder to feel close. This isn’t your fault. It just makes the connection journey a little more layered.
What You Can Do If You’re Struggling to Bond
The good news? Bonding can be nurtured—even if it feels hard right now. Here are gentle, evidence-informed ways to support connection:
1. Be With Your Baby
You don’t have to do anything grand. Just sit with them, hold them, look at their face. Connection grows in ordinary moments of presence.
2. Use Skin-to-Skin Contact
Skin-to-skin has proven benefits for both baby and parent—including calming the nervous system, increasing oxytocin (the bonding hormone), and regulating baby's heart rate and temperature.
3. Talk or Sing to Them
Your voice is one of the most powerful tools you have. It’s comforting to your baby and helps you start feeling more engaged and emotionally present.
4. Ask for Support
Talk to your midwife, health visitor, GP, or a therapist if you feel persistently numb, anxious, or low. There is no shame in seeking help—it’s one of the strongest things you can do.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Remind yourself that bonding is not a race. It doesn’t define your worth as a parent. You are showing up—and that is enough.
When to Seek Support
If you're feeling:
Emotionally flat or hopeless for more than two weeks
Disinterested in your baby or anxious all the time
Detached from everything and everyone
…it may be time to talk to a healthcare professional. These may be signs of postnatal depression or birth-related trauma—and you deserve help and healing.
Final Thoughts
Bonding with your baby doesn’t have to be instant to be real. Some of the strongest parent-child bonds are formed slowly, gently, over weeks and months of consistent, loving care.
If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone and you’re not doing anything wrong.
And if you're looking for ways to support connection in the early days, our blog "How to Build Connection with Your Newborn" offers practical, research-backed tips to guide you.
You are already enough—and connection will come.
References
Bicking Kinsey, C., & Hupcey, J. E. (2013). State of the science of maternal–infant bonding: A principle-based concept analysis. Midwifery, 29(12), 1314–1320. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.midw.2012.12.019
National Childbirth Trust (NCT). (2022). Bonding with your baby: What it is and how to strengthen it. Available at: https://www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/emotions/bonding-your-baby
NHS. (2023). Postnatal depression. Available at: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/
Feldman, R. (2012). Parent–infant synchrony: A biobehavioral model of mutual influences in the formation of affiliative bonds. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 77(2), 42–51. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1540-5834.2011.00660.x
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2020). Serve and Return Interaction Shapes Brain Architecture. Available at: https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/serve-and-return/
British Psychological Society (BPS). (2016). Understanding bonding and attachment in early childhood. Available at: https://www.bps.org.uk/news-and-policy/understanding-bonding-and-attachment-early-childhood
Moore, E.R., Bergman, N., Anderson, G.C., & Medley, N. (2016). Early skin-to-skin contact for mothers and their healthy newborn infants. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews, (11). https://doi.org/10.1002/14651858.CD003519.pub4
O'Hara, M. W., & Wisner, K. L. (2014). Perinatal mental illness: Definition, description and aetiology. Best Practice & Research Clinical Obstetrics & Gynaecology, 28(1), 3–12. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bpobgyn.2013.09.002