Why Co-Regulation is Important
Why Co-Regulation is More Important Than Time-Out: An Evidence-Based Look
Parents often face those challenging moments—your toddler is screaming, your preschooler is throwing toys, or your child is hitting in frustration. It’s tempting to resort to traditional discipline tools like time-out, but what if there’s a better way? One that builds emotional resilience, connection, and long-term regulation skills?
That’s where co-regulation comes in—and evidence shows it’s not only more effective than time-out, it’s also crucial for healthy brain development.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the process of helping a child calm down and manage their emotions by offering connection, empathy, and guidance. Instead of isolating a child when they’re upset, co-regulation keeps you in close proximity—offering your calm as a model for their storm. This doesn’t mean you’re condoning the behaviour. It means you’re supporting your child through the emotion, so they can learn how to manage it next time.
Why Time-Out Falls Short
Time-out became popular in the 90s as a “gentle” alternative to smacking/ physical punishment. But mounting research over the past two decades reveals that time-out can be damaging when used as the primary tool for discipline.
Here’s why:
Emotional Isolation: Time-out removes the child from the parent at the moment they need support the most.
Shame, Not Learning: Children don’t have the neurological development to “reflect” alone. Instead, they often feel shame or confusion.
Doesn’t Teach Regulation: Time-out may stop the behaviour temporarily, but it doesn’t teach the child how to cope with big emotions.
Can Damage Connection: Repeated isolation during emotional moments may erode a child’s sense of security in their relationship with their parent.
According to the work of Dr. Dan Siegel, author of The Whole-Brain Child, isolating a child in distress activates the fight-or-flight response in their brain, making learning impossible in that moment. Instead of developing self-regulation, the child learns to suppress emotions—or act out even more.
The Science Behind Co-Regulation
Children are not born with the ability to self-regulate. Their brains are still under construction, especially the prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and reasoning. Co-regulation offers the “scaffolding” they need to develop these skills. Neuroscience shows that children learn emotional regulation through repeated experiences of being regulated by a calm adult. Your presence, voice, facial expressions, and tone all send powerful signals to your child’s nervous system that help them return to calm. Attachment theory supports this too: responsive, emotionally attuned caregivers help build secure attachments, which in turn lead to better emotional health and resilience throughout life.
Children who experience consistent co-regulation are more likely to:
Develop strong self-regulation and coping skills
Have better social and emotional outcomes
Form secure relationships
Handle stress and frustration more effectively
Show increased empathy and problem-solving skills
In contrast, children repeatedly placed in time-out without support may learn to internalise shame, suppress emotions, or rebel even more.
Here’s what co-regulation can look like:
Getting down on their level, using a calm voice: “You’re really upset right now.”
Naming the emotion: “You’re feeling frustrated because you wanted the toy.”
Allowing a tantrum to occur, tantrums just big reactions and big feelings. Remain calm, take deep breaths and hold space.
Setting the limit/ boundary calmly: “It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to hit. I won’t let you hurt me.”
This approach supports both emotional literacy and behavioural boundaries—without the disconnect of time-out. It’s really important to highlight co-regulation is not permissive parenting, where you are allowing your child to hurt you or others, or cause unnecessary destruction. It involves:
Holding firm, clear boundaries
Teaching skills over time
Remaining present and connected, even during big emotions
It’s not about letting your child “get away with it.” It’s about teaching them how to manage their emotions with your support, so they eventually learn to do it on their own.
Final Thoughts
While time-out may seem like a quick fix, co-regulation is the long game. It might take more effort in the moment, but the payoff is profound: a child who knows how to handle their big feelings, trust their caregiver, and grow into a self-regulated adult. So next time your child melts down, remember—it’s not a time-out they need.
It’s you.
References
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Bantam Books.
– Discusses how discipline rooted in connection supports long-term emotional development.Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
– Explores how co-regulation impacts the nervous system and emotional safety.Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (2023). Key Concepts: Serve and Return.
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/serve-and-return/
– Highlights the importance of responsive interactions (like co-regulation) in building the foundations of brain architecture.Cooke, J. E., Racine, N., Pador, P., Madigan, S., & Tough, S. (2021). “The impact of parent–child attachment on emotion regulation in middle childhood.” Journal of Affective Disorders, 292, 464–472.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2021.05.091
– Demonstrates how early co-regulatory relationships predict better emotional regulation in later childhood.Bernier, A., Beauchamp, M. H., Carlson, S. M., & Lalonde, G. (2015). “A secure base from which to regulate: Attachment security in toddlerhood as a predictor of executive functioning at school entry.” Developmental Psychology, 51(9), 1177–1189.
– Links responsive caregiving and co-regulation in toddlerhood to stronger executive function development.Raby, K. L., Waters, T. E., Narayan, A. J., Groh, A. M., & Roisman, G. I. (2020). “The enduring predictive significance of early maternal sensitivity: Social and academic competence through age 32 years.” Child Development, 91(2), 705–721.
– Longitudinal evidence showing how early co-regulatory interactions predict better adult outcomes.Morawska, A., & Sanders, M. R. (2011). “Parental use of time-out revisited: A useful or harmful parenting strategy?” Journal of Child and Family Studies, 20, 1–8.
– Discusses the limitations and potential harm of using time-out without emotional support.Lozada, F. T., Halberstadt, A. G., Craig, A. B., & Dennis, P. A. (2018). “Emotion socialization in African American and European American mothers and children: A developmental contextual perspective.” Developmental Psychology, 54(11), 2016–2029.
– Emphasises the importance of culturally attuned co-regulation and how it supports children’s emotional development.National Scientific Council on the Developing Child (2021). Connecting the Brain to the Rest of the Body: Early Childhood Development and Lifelong Health Are Deeply Intertwined.
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/connecting-the-brain-to-the-rest-of-the-body/
– Shows how early co-regulation affects both emotional and physical health over time.Schore, A. N. (2019). The Development of the Unconscious Mind. W. W. Norton & Company.
– Highlights how early relational experiences (like co-regulation) shape brain and emotional development at a neurobiological level.