Why Do Toddlers Have Tantrums?
Why Do Toddlers Have Tantrums? (The Brain Science Every Parent Needs to Know)
If you have ever watched your toddler go from happily playing to lying on the floor crying because their banana broke in half, you may have wondered…
“Why are they reacting like this?”
“Are they doing it for attention?”
“Are they trying to manipulate me?”
The truth is, toddler tantrums are one of the most misunderstood parts of child development. For generations, parents were told that tantrums were “bad behaviour” that needed to be ignored, punished, or stopped. However modern neuroscience tells us something very different. Tantrums are not a sign of a naughty child. Tantrums are a sign of a developing brain.
Your toddler’s brain is still under construction
To understand tantrums, we first need to understand the toddler brain. Children's brains develop from the “back” of the brain (the occipital lobe) to the “front” of the brain (the frontal lobe). The part of the brain responsible for; emotional regulation, impulse control, logical thinking, problem solving, understanding consequences is called the prefrontal cortex, which is sat in the frontal lobe. It is one of the last area’s of the brain to fully mature and develop. This area of the brain is incredibly immature during toddlerhood. Young children simply do not have the same ability as adults to pause, think, and calmly explain how they feel. So when emotions become too big, their developing brain becomes overwhelmed. This is why a toddler may scream because you gave them the wrong colour cup.
What actually happens during a tantrum?
When your toddler experiences big emotions such as frustration, anger, disappointment, or fear, their brain’s emotional centre, particularly the amygdala, becomes activated. The amygdala, often referred to as part of the emotional brain, plays an important role in detecting threats and triggering the body’s stress response. This is the body’s natural survival mechanism.
As your toddler’s stress hormones rise, their body prepares for fight, flight, or freeze. This means your toddler may scream, fight, run away, throw themselves on the floor, or push you away. They don’t do this because they are choosing to behave badly, but because their nervous system has become overwhelmed. Although these behaviours can be incredibly difficult for parents, they are often signs that your child is overwhelmed and struggling to communicate what they are feeling. In that moment, they need support to regulate before they can access reasoning and problem-solving skills.
Parents often worry: “If I comfort them, am I rewarding bad behaviour?” The answer is no. This is one of the biggest misunderstandings about tantrums. Connection is not the same as giving in. Supporting your child through a difficult emotion does not mean removing the boundary.
A common question parents ask is: “But they stop crying when I give them what they want?” Letting your boundary slip during a tantrum may reduce your toddler’s reaction in that moment, but repeatedly changing boundaries in response to screaming or crying can unintentionally reinforce that behaviour pattern. This is not manipulation. Your toddler is not carefully planning how to get their own way; their brain is simply learning through experience and repetition.
Boundaries are important because without them, responsive parenting can become passive parenting. You can hold a boundary and still be emotionally available for your child. You can say no and still offer comfort. This means your child does not have to experience those overwhelming emotions alone. Over time, this is how children begin to develop emotional regulation.
For example:
“I can see you’re really upset. You wanted another biscuit. It’s hard when we can’t have what we want. The answer is still no, but I’m here with you.”
Toddlers learn to calm down through co-regulation
Children are not born knowing how to manage emotions. They learn this skill through thousands of interactions with trusted adults. This process is called co-regulation. When we stay calm, offer connection, and help name feelings, we are repeatedly teaching the developing brain:
“This feeling is uncomfortable, but I am safe.”
Over time, children internalise these skills. Our calm becomes their calm.
Every time you:
stay calm when they are overwhelmed
name their feelings
provide comfort
set safe boundaries
help them recover
You are helping build the brain pathways needed for future emotional regulation.
Why are tantrums worse at certain times?
Have you ever noticed tantrums seem to happen more before bedtime, after nursery, when your child is hungry, during busy days, or during periods of change?
That’s because emotional regulation requires a significant amount of energy. The developing brain is constantly working hard to process new experiences, learn skills, communicate needs, and manage emotions. When children are tired, hungry, overstimulated, or adapting to changes in their environment, their capacity to cope with frustration and disappointment is reduced.
Think of emotional regulation like a battery. Throughout the day, your child’s battery is being used for learning, playing, communicating, socialising, and following instructions. By the end of a long day, they often have fewer resources left to manage big feelings. This is why something that may seem small, like putting shoes on or leaving the park, can suddenly feel completely overwhelming.
Understanding your child’s triggers can be incredibly helpful. It allows us to support their needs, adjust expectations, and recognise when they may need extra connection, rest, food, or reassurance. However, the aim is not to prevent every tantrum from happening. Tantrums are not something we need to fear or completely avoid. Difficult emotions such as frustration, disappointment, and anger are normal human experiences, and children need opportunities to learn how to move through these feelings safely.
If we remove every challenge or prevent every difficult emotion, children miss opportunities to develop coping skills. Emotional regulation is built through repeated experiences of having big feelings and being supported through them by a calm, trusted adult. The goal is not to raise a child who never gets upset. The goal is to raise a child who learns, over time:
“I can experience difficult feelings, I can cope with them, and I have the skills and support to manage them.”
How can you support your toddler during a tantrum?
1. Regulate yourself first
Children borrow our nervous system.
Try lowering your voice, slowing your breathing, and reminding yourself:
“My child is struggling. They are not trying to make this difficult.”
2. Connect before you correct
A child in the middle of a meltdown cannot process a long explanation.
Start simple:
“I can see you’re angry. You really wanted that toy. I’m here.”
3. Keep clear boundaries
Being responsive does not mean saying yes to everything. Boundaries help children feel safe.
For example:
“It’s okay to feel angry. You cannot have another biscuit.”
4. Teach after the emotion has passed
The middle of a tantrum is not a teaching moment. Once your child is calm, you can problem solve together.
“You can have an apple, or a carrot and hummus.”
Final Thoughts
Your toddler is not giving you a hard time. Tantrums are not a sign that you have failed. They are an expected part of your child learning one of life’s biggest skills: understanding and managing emotions. Just like other areas of development, such as walking, talking, and learning new skills, emotional regulation takes time, patience, and practice.
The goal is not to stop your child from ever experiencing big emotions. The goal is to teach them:
“All feelings are accepted. I can cope with them. And someone who loves me will help me through.”
If you are currently navigating toddler tantrums, big emotions, hitting, screaming, or daily battles, my Understanding Toddler Emotions Guide will help you understand what is happening beneath the behaviour and give you practical tools to support your child with confidence.
Need More Support?
My 1:1 Parent Coaching Sessions can help you understand what is happening beneath your child’s behaviour, recognise their individual needs, and develop practical, evidence-based strategies to support emotional regulation, while protecting your own wellbeing too.
References
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Zero to Three (2022). Toddlers and Challenging Behaviour: Why They Do It and How to Respond. Available at: https://www.zerotothree.org