Emotion Coaching in Parenting
How Emotion Coaching Helps Children Thrive
The importance of relationships in child development is well documented. Over the last 10 years, research has rapidly evolved, especially in understanding how parenting influences a child's emotional and social development. Studies now show that positive parent–child interactions can help children build:
Self-esteem
Self-regulation
Confidence and independence
Emotional resilience and wellbeing
Importantly, responsive parenting does not mean avoiding boundaries. It means guiding behaviour with empathy and connection, rather than punishment. Positive parenting focuses on reinforcing helpful behaviours, listening deeply, and offering love even when correcting. Research confirms that this approach supports long-term behaviour, emotional development, and parental wellbeing (Jones et al., 2023; Gottman, 1996).
What Is Emotion Coaching?
Emotion coaching is a way of guiding children through their feelings in a nurturing, supportive way. It helps them recognise, understand, and manage big emotions. Based on the work of psychologist John Gottman (1996), emotion coaching is more than a strategy, it's a way of building resilience and emotional wellbeing through connection. It’s grounded in the idea that all emotions are valid, and our role is to teach children how to navigate them safely, without causing harm to themselves or others. Emotion coaching helps develop the “thinking brain” (prefrontal cortex), instead of triggering the survival response (fight, flight, freeze).
The 6 Core Emotions
riginally identified by Ekman (1972), the six basic emotions are:
Joy
Anger
Surprise
Fear
Disgust
Sadness
You might recognise these from the Pixar movie Inside Out!
Emotion coaching helps children learn to accept all feelings, while setting clear limits on behaviour.
Benefits of Emotion Coaching
Emotion coaching has been linked to many positive outcomes for children:
Better emotional regulation
Stronger problem-solving skills
Increased attention span and academic success
Lower levels of anxiety and aggression
Stronger child–parent connection
More “pro-social” behaviour—helpfulness, kindness, cooperation (Havighurst et al., 2021; Slade, 2021)
The 4 Steps of Emotion Coaching
Here’s a simple four-step guide to using emotion coaching at home:
1. Recognise the emotion and empathise
Notice the emotion and stay calm.
“I can see you’re upset. I’m here, and I want to help.”
2. Name the feeling and offer reassurance
Help your child put words to their emotion.
“You’re angry because we had to leave the park. It’s okay to feel angry.”
For older children:
“I wonder if you’re feeling a bit sad about not seeing your friends. That would make sense.”
3. Set a clear boundary
Be firm, kind, and consistent.
“It’s okay to feel upset, but we don’t hit. We use kind hands.”
4. Problem-solve together
Guide them to think of ways to cope next time.
“Next time you feel angry, should we take a break together and do some breathing?”
Emotion coaching can be done in the moment or reflectively later. The key is connection over correction.
The Importance of Empathy
Empathy is a vital skill in every relationship. In parenting, it helps us:
Understand our child's feelings
Connect during big emotions
Guide rather than react
Empathy is considered the foundation of emotional intelligence. Neuroscience shows that babies are born primed to connect and form strong emotional bonds, these early connections shape the architecture of their brains (Center on the Developing Child, 2024).
Empathy can trigger a helping response in the brain, reducing stress and encouraging compassionate behaviour. Research has shown that when parents model empathy, children are more likely to:
Show kindness and generosity
Be able to regulate their own emotions
Develop social and emotional awareness (Decety & Cowell, 2018; Katz et al., 2022)
Using Emotion Coaching in Real Life
Emotion coaching can be used in the moment or afterwards when things have calmed down. It’s okay if it doesn’t go perfectly every time!
Scenario 1: Toddler Tantrum
Child: “I want it NOW!”
Parent: “You’re feeling really frustrated. You wanted that toy. I get it, it’s hard to wait. Let’s take a few breaths together.”
Scenario 2: Preschooler Won’t Share
Child: “No! Mine!”
Parent: “You’re angry because you don’t want to share. It’s okay to feel that way. We don’t snatch. Let’s figure out how we can take turns.”
Your Influence Matters
Children learn emotional regulation through you. Your reactions, tone of voice, and body language all model how to handle big feelings. But emotional regulation isn’t easy, especially if it wasn’t modelled to you growing up. That’s okay. You can learn alongside your child. Start by naming your own emotions:
“I’m feeling frustrated. I need a minute to breathe before I respond.”
Reflecting on your own emotional responses and modelling calm behaviour helps your child feel safe and secure.
Being emotionally available all the time is exhausting. Emotion coaching isn’t just about tuning into your child, it’s about tuning into yourself too.
Be kind to yourself
Take breaks
Ask for help when you need it
Whether that’s a partner, friend, family member or professional, you’re not meant to parent alone.
Final Thoughts
Emotion coaching is now widely recognised in developmental psychology as a cornerstone of healthy child development. With mental health concerns rising globally, teaching children how to understand and regulate emotions has never been more important. You won’t get it right every time and they don’t need to. What matters most is showing up with consistency, empathy, and the willingness to learn.
Emotional coaching is not about perfection; it’s about connection.
References
Belsky, J., & Fearon, R.M.P. (2022). Parenting and child development: Contemporary perspectives. Child Development Perspectives.
Center on the Developing Child (2024). How children and caregivers regulate emotions. Harvard University.
Decety, J., & Cowell, J.M. (2018). The neuroscience of empathy: Progress, pitfalls and promise. Nature Reviews Neuroscience.
Gottman, J. (1996, 1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.
Havighurst, S.S., Kehoe, C.E., & Harley, A. (2021). Tuning into Kids: Improving parenting and children’s emotional competence and behaviour. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry.
Izard, C.E. (2022). Patterns of emotions: A new analysis. Emotion Review.
Jones, S.M., McGarrah, M., & Marreel, L. (2023). Supporting parent-child relationships to build children’s emotional wellbeing. Harvard Graduate School of Education.
Katz, L.F., Hunter, E.C., & Huth-Bocks, A.C. (2022). Emotion coaching: A meta-analytic review. Developmental Psychology.
Slade, A. (2021). Reflective functioning and the parent-child relationship. Attachment & Human Development.
Tottenham, N. (2023). Early caregiving and the neurobiology of emotional development. Annual Review of Psychology.