Raising a Confident Child
Raising a Confident Child: Evidence-Based Ways to Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem
Confidence is more than just feeling good about yourself, it’s the foundation of resilience, learning, and emotional wellbeing. A confident child is more likely to try new things, cope with setbacks, form healthy relationships, and advocate for themselves. Parents and caregivers play a vital role in shaping how our children see themselves. But confidence isn’t something we can give to our children, it’s something they develop, with our support, through experience and connection.
In this blog, we’ll explore what confidence really is, why it matters, and how to build it through everyday parenting, all grounded in the latest research.
What Is Confidence?
Confidence is a child’s belief in their ability to handle challenges and succeed in different situations. It’s closely tied to self-efficacy—a concept introduced by psychologist Albert Bandura—which refers to the belief that “I can do this.”
Children develop confidence through:
Mastery experiences (achieving something after effort)
Supportive relationships
Constructive feedback
Opportunities to try, fail, and try again (problem-solving skills)
Confidence is not the same as perfectionism or arrogance. It’s about trusting your own ability while still being open to learning and growth.
Why Confidence Matters in Childhood
Research shows that children with higher self-confidence:
Are more likely to persist through challenges
Experience better mental health and greater emotional regulation
Have higher self-esteem and greater confidence
Have stronger academic and social outcomes (Orth et al., 2012)
Are less likely to engage in risk-taking behaviours in adolescence (Bean et al., 2003)
When children feel confident, they are more likely to step outside their comfort zone, develop independence, and build resilience over time.
6 Evidence-Based Ways to Build Your Child’s Confidence
1. Encourage Effort Over Outcome
Praise your child’s effort, strategy, and perseverance—not just the result. Instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” try, “You worked really hard on that puzzle.”
Why it works:
Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset shows that children praised for effort are more likely to take on challenges and keep going when things get tough (Dweck, 2006). A 2023 UK-based study in Frontiers in Psychology showed that children as young as four begin comparing themselves to others. Self-referenced praise, such as “You’re improving so much,” was found to support healthier, more stable confidence than comparative praise like “You’re the best.”
2. Give Them Age-Appropriate Responsibilities
Let your child help with cooking, tidying up, feeding the pet, or choosing their clothes. These small tasks help them feel capable and trusted.
Why it works:
Autonomy-supportive parenting increases intrinsic motivation and self-worth. When children contribute meaningfully to family life, they develop a sense of autonomy and competence, key ingredients for self-confidence (Ginsburg, 2007, Joussemet et al., 2021).
3. Let Them Fail—and Try Again
It’s tempting to swoop in and fix things when your child struggles. But confidence grows when children face age-appropriate setbacks and learn they can recover.
Try saying:
"That didn’t work this time—what could we try differently?"
Why it works:
Mastery experiences are the most powerful source of self-efficacy (Bandura, 1997). Children need space to experiment, fail safely, and succeed through effort.
4. Use Encouraging, Specific Language
Rather than vague praise like “good job,” be specific:
"You took your time with that drawing, and look at the detail in the rainbow!"
Why it works:
Specific praise helps children link their success to their own actions, which boosts their internal belief in their ability (Gunderson et al., 2013). According to the 2023 study from Frontiers in Psychology, this kind of self-referenced praise reduces harmful social comparison and supports authentic confidence.
5. Support Their Interests, Not Just Their Achievements
Confidence blossoms when children feel seen and valued for who they are. Celebrate what lights them up, whether it’s bugs, baking, football, or drawing, regardless of how “good” they are at it.
Why it works:
When children feel accepted without condition, they’re more likely to explore the world with confidence and curiosity (Deci & Ryan, 1985).
6. Model Confidence and Self-Compassion Yourself
Children learn more from what we do than what we say. Let them see you try new things, make mistakes, and speak kindly to yourself.
Try saying:
"I felt nervous speaking up at work, but I gave it a go. I’m proud of myself for trying."
Why it works:
Modelling self-efficacy and self-kindness teaches children how to handle their own inner critic and build realistic confidence (Neff, 2011).
What If Your Child Lacks Confidence?
Confidence levels can fluctuate, especially during transitions (starting school, new siblings, etc.). If your child seems especially anxious or unsure, try:
Creating more opportunities for success with small, achievable challenges
Offering consistent, calm encouragement
Talking about emotions and validating their feelings
Avoiding comparison to siblings or peers
If your child’s low confidence is affecting their wellbeing or daily life, it’s okay to seek support from a GP, Health Visitor, their nursery/school, or parenting coach. Young Minds also has some resources for parents and a parent helpline.
Final Thoughts
Confidence doesn’t happen overnight, it’s built slowly, through experiences of being seen, supported, and encouraged. Your role isn’t to make life perfect for your child, but to walk alongside them as they grow into capable, confident humans. By focusing on effort, connection, and autonomy, you're laying a powerful foundation for lifelong self-belief.
References
Bandura, A. (1997). Self-Efficacy: The Exercise of Control.
Bean, R. A., Barber, B. K., & Crane, D. R. (2003). Parental support and psychological control among African American youth. Journal of Family Issues.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior.
Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.
Ginsburg, K. R. (2007). The importance of play in promoting healthy child development. Pediatrics.
Gunderson, E. A., et al. (2013). Parent praise to 1- to 3-year-olds predicts motivational frameworks 5 years later. Child Development.
Joussemet, M. et al. (2021). The benefits of autonomy-supportive parenting: A meta-analysis. Developmental Psychology.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
Orth, U., Robins, R. W., & Widaman, K. F. (2012). Life-span development of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin.
Pajares, F. (1996). Self-efficacy beliefs in academic settings. Review of Educational Research.
Ramsden, S. R. et al. (2020). Emotion coaching, child regulation, and later outcomes. Child Development.
Zimmerman, B. J. (2000). Self-efficacy: An essential motive to learn. Contemporary Educational Psychology.
Frontiers in Psychology (2023). The role of social comparison and self-evaluation in early childhood confidence formation.